We’re down to the home stretch in the election year, so it’s time for my final installment of my ongoing series of advice on campaign strategy.
Today: “The Comeback Ad.” This is when you make up a story about your opponent. When he takes the bait, you twist his response.
Candidate 1 advertisement: CANDIDATE 2 HATES AMERICANS.
Candidate 2 response: That’s crazy. Of course I like Americans.
The Comeback Ad: CANDIDATE 2 SAYS HE LIKES EVERY AMERICAN, INCLUDING JERRY SANDUSKY AND O.J. SIMPSON.
Candidate 2 response: Whoa, I never said I like them.
The Comeback Ad: WHY IS CANDIDATE 2 SUDDENLY HIDING THE FACT THAT HE SUPPORTS FELONS?
Candidate 2 response: That’s not what I said!
The Comeback Ad: CANDIDATE 2 IS CHANGING HIS STANCE FOR POLITICAL GAIN.
Candidate 2: Candidate 1’s advertising tactics are irrational and reprehensible.
The Comeback Ad: CANDIDATE 2 USES BIG, FANCY WORDS JUST LIKE THOSE SNOBBY PENCIL NECKS WHO THINK THEY’RE BETTER THAN US.
Candidate 2: I refuse to respond to that garbage.
The Comeback Ad: CANDIDATE 2 SAYS HE WOULD NOT RESPOND TO ANY SANITATION CONCERNS DURING HIS TERM.
Candidate 2: These ads are babyish.
The Comeback Ad: CANDIDATE 2 HATES BABIES.
Candidate 2: If these ads don’t stop, I’m going to sue. I hate to sue.
The Comeback Ad: WHY DOES CANDIDATE 2 HATE PEOPLE NAMED SUE?
Candidate 2: What?! My mother’s name is Sue.
The Comeback Ad: CANDIDATE 2 HATES HIS MOTHER.
Candidate 2: That’s not what I said!
The Comeback Ad: CANDIDATE 2 CHANGED STATEMENT ABOUT HIS MOTHER’S NAME, MUCH LIKE PEOPLE WITH MOB CONNECTIONS LIE ABOUT THEIR FAMILY’S NAMES.
Candidate 2: There is no way I’m connected to the mob, and you know it!
The Comeback Ad: CANDIDATE 2: “... I’M CONNECTED TO THE MOB...”
Candidate 2: That does it! I will sue, and I’ll like it!
The Comeback AD: UNDER PRESSURE, CANDIDATE 2 NOW CLAIMS HE DOESN’T HATE HIS MOM, SUE. HE NOW CLAIMS TO LIKE HER AS MUCH AS HE LIKES SANDUSKY AND SIMPSON.
Candidate 2: That’s it, I’m getting out of this race.
The Comeback Ad: CANDIDATE 2: A QUITTER!!