With the replacements being benched now that the regular officials are back, I was able to secure an interview with one of the newly retired replacements.

Here is the interview, which really took place except no it didn’t:

Bernie: It seems y’all had trouble understanding the rules out there.

Replacement: Who said that? I hear a voice. PENALTY!

Bernie: Uh, no, I’m over here. You’re looking the wrong way.

Replacement: Oh, OK. Oh, hi, who are you?

Bernie: The guy who has been interviewing you. May we continue?

Replacement: OK, but make it quick. I’ve got a reporter interviewing me soon.

Bernie: That’s me, you idiot! That’s what we’re doing.

Replacement: That’s right. My mistake. Boy have I had to say that a lot lately.

Bernie: Are there some rules that are confusing to you?

Replacement: Yes, when someone kicks it through the goal posts, how many points is that worth?

Bernie: One if it’s an extra-point and three if it’s a field goal.

Replacement: Do those numbers go up, depending on how many runners are on base?

Bernie: What?

Replacement: And is it three points if you shoot it from behind the three-point line?

Bernie: Oh, my. Let’s just move on to another issue: that controversial offside call you made last weekend.

Replacement: The guy clearly had crossed the line of scrimmage before the ball was snapped.

Bernie: But the guy was another official. You can’t throw a flag on him for that.

Replacement: Flags? People are throwing Old Glory? Why, that’s downright unpatriotic!

Bernie: OK, different topic: the penalty you threw on the team for having too many players on the field.

Replacement: Surely you didn’t have a problem with that. There must have been 40 of them out there at once.

Bernie: Yes, there were 40 on the field. Warming up. It was still 45 minutes before kickoff.

Replacement: What is this “kickoff” of which you speak?

Bernie: You know, when they kick it to start a game.

Replacement: Hold it — that’s legal? That explains why the coach was so mad when I issued that 412-yard penalty.

Bernie: 412 yards? There’s only 100 yards on the field.

Replacement: I found that out. You should have seen the look on those tailgaters’ faces behind the stadium when I marked the ball in the middle of their grill. Pretty good burgers, though.

Bernie: What will it be like, watching games from your living room again?

Replacement: I really look forward to it. Those preseason games were fun to officiate, though. When does the real season start?