I’ve noticed we’ve had a lot of icy weather conditions this month.
In fact, for whatever reason, this is the type of trend that seems to happen only during the winter.
Why it never happens in the summer is beyond me. I’ll leave that to the meteorologists to figure out, although they seem awfully busy.
In fact, they are so busy with the weather that they don’t have time to study their true field, which I assume by their title is meteors.
And let me tell ya’, that worries me. What if a meteor is hurling toward earth right now and the meteorologists don’t notice because they’re too busy eyeballing the weather? Sometimes, so help me, I can’t help but feel that I’m the only one who worries about this.
Of course, I could be wrong in deciphering what branch of science meteorologists study. I’ve gotten scientific and medical branches confused before.
You can’t imagine my surprise when I found out gynecologists do not study guys. I mean that was one awkward doctor’s appointment.
Anyway, since we face icy weather conditions, I thought I’d give a few questions from an icy driving test taken directly from a manual I’ve compiled. It’s called the Manual About Driving Neurotically Enduring Shoals Snow, which is better known by the acronym MADNESS. Here are the questions:
1. When there is ice on the road, you should:
A: Avoid driving.
B: Drive if necessary, but proceed with caution.
C: Grab a garbage can lid, tie it to the back bumper and tell your kids it’s time for “adventure sledding.”
2. Crossing O’Neal Bridge:
A: should be done slowly.
B: is treacherous.
C: can be done while sliding sideways if you go fast enough and don’t mind your vehicle encountering a few “dings.”
3. If the power goes out, a blinking traffic light should be taken to mean:
A: Motorists should take turns.
B: Approach with caution.
C: It doesn’t matter as fast as I’m going, there’s no way I can stop on this ice anyway.
4. Slippery icy roads:
A: can mean slippery driving.
B: are some of the most dangerous roads.
C: Wait a minute — icy roads are slippery?
5. When a police officer is directing you to a detour because of a wreck:
A: Follow instructions.
B: Approach the scene slowly.
C: Ask the officer as many questions about the wreck as possible while craning your neck like a giraffe on meth to get a good look at the scene.
If you answered C to any or all of the questions, there’s plenty of good stuff on television to watch. Maybe you should consider staying home and doing that.
“Bernie’s World” runs Saturdays in the TimesDaily. Bernie Delinski can be reached at 256-740-5739 or bernie.delinski@TimesDaily.com.