After attempting every removal method known to mankind, I am ready to find the genius who invented popcorn ceilings and whip his you-know-what.

Ceiling repair is the latest installment in a one-thing-leads-to-another homeowner fiasco. If we survive the current installment, we can look forward to cleaning up a house full of drywall dust and painting overhead.

The problem dates back to August with a leak in the hot water line. To do the repair right, we chose to replace the line all the way from the kitchen to the water heater. This required ripping out a strip of ceiling throughout the kitchen and den.

After hundreds of dollars in plumbing work, a visit from an electrician to repair a cut electric line and two costly utility bills caused by the leaking pipe, I decided to save money by repairing the ceiling myself.

How hard could it be? After all, I have a degree from an accredited institution of higher learning.

I was smart enough to patch the ceiling in the den, which had a smooth surface. Then, it was on to the kitchen, which has an evil popcorn ceiling.

Did I mention what I would like to do to the guy who invented popcorn ceilings?

Textured ceilings were popular in the 1960s and 1970s. This was about the same time that long sideburns, polyester leisure suits, Richard Nixon, AMC Gremlins, disco music and many other bad ideas were popular.

A popcorn ceiling looks like someone provided an unlimited supply of cottage cheese to a kindergarten class and yelled “Food fight!”

My personal study into the physics of popcorn ceilings have yielded a scientific discovery known as the Principle of Pertinacious Popcorn Plafond. If you want the popcorn to stay up, it falls down. If you want it to fall down, it stays up.

Our particular popcorn ceiling has been painted so thoroughly that it has created an impenetrable force field. While it is reassuring to know our house is safe from aerial alien attack, we are ready to lower the unsightly defenses.

I have tried several “easy” removal methods as seen on YouTube. Most of these methods involve spraying water on the ceiling. Lots of water. In fact, it might be a good idea to invite the guys from Fire Station No. 5 over and ask them to bring the pumper truck.

All methods create a huge mess. They all require more scraping than yours truly is capable of providing.

So I am giving up, surrendering to the popcorn.

It’s time to find a good drywall professional — college degree not required — before I strike a match and give the firefighters a legitimate reason to drop by the house.

Executive Editor Scott Morris can be reached at 256-740-5721 or scott.morris@TimesDaily.com.