As you may have heard, in six days WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Often in this column, I use my position to fulfill my foremost journalistic ethical obligation: creating a panic by irrationally thinking of reasons we’re all gonna die.

This time, I’m not alone. Nope, thanks to the 5,125-year-old Mayan calendar, many people across the world have been predicting the world will end Dec. 21 because the calendar runs out that day. The logical thing for me to do is guarantee the world won’t end on that day. That way, if I’m right I can gloat about it and if I’m wrong we’ll all be dead so nobody can rub it in. Either way I’d win, except for that part where we might all be dead.

I think the Mayans figured future civilizations would be too advanced to worry about such a thing. I’ll bet their conversation went something like this:

Mayan 1: How’s that calendar coming along?

Mayan 2: We’ve got a problem. We ran out of room. I could only fit 5,125 years on it.

Mayan 1: Who cares? We’ll be retired by then, and it’ll be someone else’s problem.

Mayan 2: Hey, you’re right. That’s why you’re the boss.

Mayan 1: Hee-hee. Imagine the panic it would create if civilization still exists when this thing is about to run out.

Mayan 2: Oh, that won’t happen. People would be too levelheaded for that. It’s not like there’s gonna be some nimrod columnist who always panics that “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” over stupid reasons.

Mayan 1: Well, if they were to let that guy write columns, could we really call it “civilization”?

Mayan 2: True, although it would be funny if people did panic.

Mayan 1: People would have to be really gullible to do that. You know, the kind that would be so gullible that they would fall for “improved inventions” that aren’t improvements.

You know, like, say, someone comes up with a typing device that sends messages — we’ll call it “Morse Code,” only to follow that with a device that allows you to speak directly to someone without typing — we’ll call it a “phone,” and then someone invents a device within that phone that allows you to send a message by going through the effort of typing it — we’ll call it “texting.”

Mayan 2: They would improve the invention, then go back to the original way? That’s crazy!

Mayan 1: Exactly! It would be the type of civilization that builds sturdy dwellings that maintain a comfortable temperature inside, where you also would be free from predatory creatures, and then spend their “relaxing time” outside with some crazy vacation idea — we’ll call it “camping.”

Mayan 2: What’s next? Entertainment called “reality” that’s based on ordinary people arguing with each other?

Mayan 1: Exactly. There’s no way a society would ever reach that low. How uncivilized!