With that in mind, here’s a summary of Bernie’s 2012:
January: I watched a bunch of football.
February-August: I missed football season.
September-December: I watch a bunch of football.
And that was Bernie’s 2012, a year that had a strangely similar ring to it as the previous years.
With this also being the season of gift returns, I thought about returning some items I own. I could explain to the store clerk what the problem is with each item. That exchange would go something like this:
Clerk: May I help you?
Bernie: Yes, this television you sold me is defective.
Clerk: We apologize for that. What’s the problem with it?
Bernie: The volume control doesn’t work.
Clerk: It’s not producing sound?
Bernie: Oh no, it produces sound. The problem is, it doesn’t receive sound.
Clerk: Receive sound?
Bernie: Yes. Every time I watch a football game on this television, I yell — quite clearly — instructions to the football players and coaches about what play to run and how to execute it, yet they never seem to hear me.
Clerk: I see. So the problem with the TV is, you’re insane.
Bernie: And I need to return these TV remote controls, too.
Clerk: Those are remotes? They look more like a pile of shattered circuitry.
Bernie: Exactly. Just try to bounce one of these flimsy things off a wall in disgust after your team gets intercepted during what would have been the winning touchdown drive without it breaking.
Clerk: I’m detecting a trend here.
Bernie: And that ottoman you sold is coming back too.
Clerk: What happened with that?
Bernie: I was using it as the “guy with the football” while demonstrating the proper tackling technique to one of the players on TV — who, by the way, was completely ignoring me — and, well, let’s just say that ottoman has played its last down.
Clerk: Oh my. Anything else?
Bernie: There is the ceiling fan, but I can’t help but feel that one was somewhat my fault.
Clerk: Let me guess, you were watching football ...
Bernie: Yeah, and the crowd at the game had started a wave so naturally I jumped up and raised my arms to join in. Let me tell you, those blades are a lot sharper than they look.
Clerk: Have you ever considered taking up a hobby?
Bernie: Hey that’s not a bad idea. It would give me something to do from February through August.
Clerk: I was thinking more along the lines of DURING football season.
Bernie: I think I see what you’re getting at. GOING to the games!
Clerk: That’s not at all what ...
Bernie: That’s a great idea! And I’ll tailgate before the games! Say, do you sell any portable TVs that are really good at receiving sound?