I’m actually writing this on Wednesday, hours before the presidential debate.
That means a very important question hasn’t been answered while I write this, but will have been answered by the time you read it today.
That question, of course, is, “Did the Braves win their playoff game Friday night?”
Of course, there’s another question the nation is wondering, as I write this: “Who will win the debate?”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Couldn’t this dork have just written the column after the debate?”
The answer to that is yes, but there was no sense in waiting. That’s because I can confirm with 100 percent confidence that I already know the outcome of the debate.
And that outcome will be (drum roll, please): Democrats will say Obama won, and Republicans will say Romney won.
Ta-da! I was RIGHT, wasn’t I?
I now have successfully predicted the outcome of every presidential debate, dating back to the 1950s. That is a particularly amazing feat when you consider I wasn’t even alive in the 1950s.
But wait, there’s more. I now am going to take my amazing prediction streak a step further: I’m going to predict the outcome of the 2016 presidential debates.
And that outcome will be (drum roll, please): Democrats will say the Democratic candidate won, and Republicans will say the Republican candidate won.
So, keep this column and check back with it in four years to see if I’m right.
Then again, it would be worth being wrong just to hear a post-debate interview go like this:
Reporter: Who do you think won this debate?
Party Spokesman: Well, the answer is clear.
Reporter: Let me guess — your party’s candidate.
Spokesman: Are you kidding me? My candidate got it handed to him.
Reporter: Wait, what?
Spokesman: Why anyone would vote for him, I don’t know. I’ll level with you — that opponent of his is pretty sharp.
Reporter: It’s quite surprising to hear this honesty from the party’s spokesman. So what is your strategy from here?
Spokesman: I’m just going to punt this election and turn my attention to sports. I wonder if the Braves won that playoff game?