Yep, that’s exactly the way they put it. “Bernie,” they say, which makes since because that’s my name, “What do you plan to create for us to enjoy around the dinner table?”

Well that’s not exactly the way they put it. What they ask is more like, “Bernie, you do remember the court order forbidding you from coming within 10 feet of the kitchen while Thanksgiving food is being prepared, don’t you?”

It’s always touching to be remembered by the fire marshal. Although he’s not the only one who wants to make sure I don’t cook for any relative who may be eating anything our family brings at Thanksgiving.

No, there’s another group that wants to be sure of that. The official name of that group is “any relative who may be eating anything our family brings at Thanksgiving.”

Thank goodness my wife is a great cook. Everyone loves what she brings, especially the stuff I call “that green bean deal.” It’s delicious, but somehow there always seems to be a small portion missing by the time it hits the Thanksgiving table. I don’t know who is responsible for that.

But on to my cooking prowess. It involves your two basic food groups:

Group 1: things that go in the microwave (unless there’s some complicated recipe like “turn dish midway through heating”)

Group 2: Toast.

Don’t laugh. I can bake up a pretty mean toast.

And I’ve recently learned about a way to make a grilled-cheese sandwich in the toaster. I saw it in a photo the other day while I was looking through comedy sites on the Internet instead of working (note: If you’re one of my bosses, don’t read previous sentence).

Here are the steps:

Step 1: Place cheese on one side of bread.

Step 2: Place toaster on its side, which I’m certain is a fire hazard of some kind, but I can’t ask the fire marshal because that’ll tip him off.

Step 3: Insert bread into toaster.

Step 4: Start toaster.

Step 5: Place plate where you think the grilled-cheese sandwich will land.

Step 6: Observe the “3-second rule” by immediately picking up the grilled-cheese sandwich from the floor because — let’s face it — that sucker didn’t land anywhere near the plate.

Step 7: Make sure fire extinguisher is nearby, just in case. Or was that Step 1?

So there you have it: instant grilled-cheese sandwich.

Only just to be on the safe side, don’t try this at home. After all, Thanksgiving is coming up. This is the time when you should be visiting relatives.

That way you can suggest it to them and they can try it at their home, leaving yours perfectly safe.